I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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