You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
