one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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