I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
