he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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