Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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