I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize