I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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