i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
