Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
