he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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