If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
