i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize