If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
