My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
