I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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