Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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