I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize