Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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