My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
