Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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