My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
...so i touched it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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