So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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