He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
