You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
