dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
