Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
