it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize