I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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