dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
