She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
