Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
