i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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