Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
