how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
