im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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