my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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