It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
