he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
