I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
