Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
