If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
