So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
