Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
