you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
