she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
