I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
