And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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