Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
