Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
