They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I want to fling myself into the sun
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize