So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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