She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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