nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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