someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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