I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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