if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize