it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
