I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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