My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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