Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
