You made me cry and you don't even care
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize