I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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