Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
