I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize