I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
