Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
