I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
