I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
