She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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