I wish I only lived at night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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