I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
